So, a big change in my life is about to occur. Today is my last day at work and on Monday I start my ADN classes at Forsyth Tech full time. I can’t wait for this whole transition, but I have no idea what its going to be like. Well, okay, that’s not entirely true. It’s got to be at least somewhat similar to the grueling schedule I had in ’08. I don’t even remember last year it was so busy or traumatic or both. The whole schedule of working full time, going to night school and studying every spare second of the day (or night) was really pushing my sanity limit. I don’t even know how I found time to serve in leadership or worship or even be a wife at all. Did I? Like I said, can’t recall much about last year.
I keep telling myself that starting Monday, my life is going to be different. I say that in a good way. I tell myself that I’m putting something down before I pick something else up, that I will actually have time to breathe and spend with my husband and the rest of humanity. But the truth is, I just don’t know.
Then there’s the fact that I’ve been making myself relax all summer. My advisors even told us, “Rest up, freshman class of ’09, because you are going to need it come Fall.” So, with that in mind, I’ve been reading books and hanging out with friends and family and coming into work late and watching all my favorite shows and just being down right lazy at times. There is always a problem with this because I only have two kinds of gears. I have fast and slow. That’s it. No in-between. I’m either going approximately 420 miles an hour or the average gimp can pass me. This is mostly because I have to drive myself to get up the courage just to get going and once I get going I have to use my momentum to propel myself forward, not give myself enough time to be afraid.
Well, I’m just a bit nervous, you might say, about how I’m going to get myself going again after all this down time. To tell you the truth, aside from the fact that I’m in a job where I could become suicidal because it is so pointless, this past summer has been down right enjoyable. I mean shopping at Ikea and the beach and gobbling up all the pleasure books I can get my hands on and re-acquainting myself with music I love and Ikea and having friends over and not caring if I get fired for being late and did I mention Ikea? I think I could get used to all of this.
Okay, so I know myself better than that. I know in my head that about 3 years ago, I had all this stuff and it wasn’t enough. I know in my head that I want to live adventure, not just read about it in a book. I know that eventually (if not already) I will run out of money to spend at Ikea, and it will just become the bitter truth that there is chic organizing stuff out there that is just out of my grasp.
Then there is the question as to whether I can really do this. Can I really stand all the trauma and gore and blood and needles? Oooo needles, I love needles. Sick, I know, but at least I know that I will be okay with that much. It’s just that I’m realizing that God still has a lot to get me through. You could even say its just beginning. Don’t get me wrong, my faith is where it should be. God has been generous enough to say, “Okay, here’s the deal. If I want you to go in this direction, I’ll get you through each step. You just give it everything you have and I’ll make up the distance.” Well, ‘make up the distance’ he has on more than one occasion in this journey, and that’s strangely comforting even though it means yanking my “control” card. It’s just that there is a lot on the line, and a lot of people are counting on and watching and judging me! And what if I kill someone!
Okay. *takes a deep breath* Lets not think about that. Let me rephrase. What it actually means is, a lot of people are counting on God, including me and I have a lot of people rooting for me, which is wonderful and good and I shouldn’t just decide to forget it all like a coward and go off and live as a hermit somewhere where no one can find me. That is what I mean. *smiles confidently* I’m sure everyone is tempted to cut and run at some point in there life. Mine is right now. The problem is where would I go? (Yes, I have thought about that.) I can’t go back to where I was working, because, well…you just can’t make me. And I don’t know where else I would go. I’m sure there are lots of places, they are all just equally terrifying, which I’m sure was God’s plan the whole time because there is no where to go logically but forward if they are all terrifying anyway. It’s funny how well God knows me. I see that now. I may not like it, when it would be so much safer to just hide out under the covers and read or watch adventures instead of having them.
Plus, I know (and the big man upstairs probably does too) that that moment of terror is right before I’m pushed over the edge into a righteous focus of anger and determination. Do you know what I mean? It’s that realization that you are so tired of physically and mentally grappling with that gnawing stab of fear and anxiety that you crack… in a good way. You decide you don’t care anymore if you succeed or fail, live or die, you are putting an end to that looming monster in front of you and you just take a plunge headlong right into it. For me, that’s when I put my game face on; with it on, I mentally have a different frame of mind. Most people don’t even recognize me whenever I’m wearing my game face. They ask questions like, “Are you angry with me?” or “Is something wrong?” or “Are you going to reach in and pull out my heart with your bare hands and then eat it with a spoon?”
Alright, so in those instances, I suppose I am somewhat angry you might say, but it is with myself and not so much with others. True, I am more likely to run you over without even noticing at that point, which could be somewhat hazardous. But for me it’s a focus of energy to be committed without hesitation to the task that I have been given. It is a rallying of righteous determination to succeed despite the pain, or size of obstacles, or horrific superpower of my enemy, which strangely turns out to be math a lot of times. Its when one half of me turns to the other shaking half and say, “This is ridiculous. This fear makes no sense and there no truth in it. God has not given you a spirit of fear, but of love, power and a sound mind.” And, “don’t you remember the words of your Father when he said,
‘Fear not, for I have redeemed you;
I have summoned you by name; you are mine.
2 When you pass through the waters,
I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
you will not be burned;
the flames will not set you ablaze.
3 For I am the LORD, your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior’
Don’t you remember each step that he took time to prove to you? Don’t you remember his long standing patience, his accessible resources, and that fact that he can just miraculously make things happen? What is there to fear? So, after that conversation (yes, with myself) I can confidently (okay, so, if I’m honest its more like diffidently) move forward into the this new expedition, knowing from past experience that I will get to witness first hand God’s creation of success in my life.