Can I have a do-over?

Scrubs, my favorite show, has one episode where a patient that JD is assigned to suddenly dies and he feels so guilty about it mainly because he didn't like the patient. JD feels that because he did not like the patient that he gave the man less attention and the result was that the man died. "Can I have a do over," he asks when he realizes that the man has died. I know, very weird since of humor, but I think its hilarious.

Man, I really feel like that some times. For the most part I pride myself on being a good decision maker, but every so often, I make a hugely bad decision that has seemingly irreversible effects. For example:

-Backed into my best friend's car

- Accidentally clogged ALL of my friend's toilets while helping her to clean for an open house (1 hour before the party started)

-Pranked a car in a church parking lot (we really went all out on the gross factor) = car owner + owner's girlfriend + family members + church members were not exactly what I would call happy

-Rear ended my future husband while racing (yeah, that's how I won his heart, but his parents and mine weren't too thrilled about that one)

-Drove a tractor into the side of a house (haven't driven one since)

-Broke Ginny's Chicken House drive through when I pulled up too close to order while driving my client's van (I just don't even want to revisit that one)

A couple of weeks ago, I was having another one of these moments. It was just a really bad day. To start out with, it was a Monday. Next in line, Jon and I found out our beloved Grandma Pete had gone home to die because the doctors could not do anything else for her. Thirdly, I had just failed my TEAS exam for the second year in a row for my first pick school. (I do believe that the emotional weight of carrying these two events led to the next horrific one.) I decided to fill up my husband's truck that I had borrowed for the day, but put diesel fuel in the truck's gas tank, cranked it up and drove it away.

Now, as one might see, there are just some things that I would have done differently on this day. I will mention just a few small things. For instance, the barely audible observation in my mind hmm, I did not even have to select a fuel type would have appeared in my thought processes much early than the moment when I was driving away. Also, this thought would have appeared considerably louder, and I would have added some bells and big red flags and maybe even a figurative little person with a big 2X4 to HIT ME OVER THE HEAD before I even put the pump in the tank, before I started pumping, before I drove away, and definitely before I started hearing a loud BANG! emitting from my husband's brand new shinny, long awaited, cherished, adored and celebrated perfect red truck.

Unfortunately, it was after the truck was broken down and stranded before I was really asking for a "Do over".

Sometimes, it's down right scary how far gone I can get before I realize the mistakes that I have made. I definitely grieve making them and given the chance would take them back, given the conscious choice, would never do them again or anything like it. I am a perfectionist and it hurts me when others are hurt.

On top of that, I almost feel like I do not even have a choice in the matter. I have done some things in my life that were consciously, deliberately done that God has convicted me about. Those instances of redemption are based on my choices, and although it is difficult to change my stubborn heart, I still can decide to to follow Christ and let him lead me and change me. Its these other decisions that I make that are truly scary and the only way to describe them goes back to the basic question that most parents ask their children, "What were you thinking? Where was your head?" I can honestly say with great fear that I simply do not know.

I have to say that I thought I would outgrow these moments of stupidity with every step of adulthood, but I do not think that that is the case considering I am 29. I am considerably afraid of making the next mistake of this sort, but I guess part of the process is learning that God's grace is sufficient for me and covers over even these episodes.